Tube Light- her 4 am friend

The sun brought along schedules and spreadsheets
Mundane as they may sound, with these, her fears she cheats.

Kept her mind occupied, her fears at bay.
Enthusiasm of meeting people, sometimes real, mostly fake, got her through the day.

Cometh the midnight, she closes her eyes tight.
No escaping the frightful fears, to the ceiling and beyond, it’s a lonely night.

Mind at unrest, body tossing around in the bed.
The possibility of this turning into a permanent scenario, she lay scared.

Rain slashing against the pane, freakish sounds abuzz, her eyes open wide
She curls up on the right, with no one to hold on the other side.

This thought of ending up alone played like a horror scene.
Few minutes, sometimes longer, never does it go unseen.

Switched on the button, the old tube light in her room shone.
Giving Ally, the comfort and familiarity of the known.

Falls into a slumber finally, in the company of the light
Its effect was dim, but it gave her a sense of might.

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Let out

I miss the normalcy…

and today is finally getting to me.

Cant take the silence any more.

its just there all around.

From within I can hear only noise.

Talking non stop.

Disturbing the peace, shaking me up.

I don’t know what is right or wrong.

I don’t know where to find answers.

I wanna be immune 

I wanna be in a state where suffering is up to a point.

I wanna be oblivion to the fear.

Fear that more often than not shapes my actions.

I wanna be free in my decisions.

and do what feels just right.

External burden has a tendency to ruin it.

What others think, or rather what others dont think is an obstacle.

The outside world has changed me.

Does that really matter ?

if not, why are those words playing in my head.

why is there an urge to put my point.

a need to explain myself.

a wish to shout out loud my feelings.

In spite of this need the ego sticks its foot out.

and everything just stays within.

I want to yet I don’t wanna reach out.

I want to yet I don’t wanna be heard.

caught in the state of ambivalence.

Looking for a way to let out.

A day in her life….

lonely_girl

Live a day of my life, says she
And you ll know what emptiness means.
Hours without uttering a word, I spend
Staring in blankness, searching for answers.
In the hope to comprehend.

Live a day of my life, says she
And you ll know what it means to put an effort in vain.
Try to hard to improve the scenario, do I
End up with vague thoughts
In the hope of clear paths , I cry.

Live a day of my life, says she
And you ll know what lack of belief amounts to
A midst dark shadows of doubt & quandary.
I try to shine and rise high.
In the hope of an iota of appreciation and loyalty.

Live a day of my life, says she
And you ll know that being just best friends is not enough.
For after a while I won’t be priority.
Spending nights, fearing loneliness always.
In the hope of finding a lover,fleetly.