Tag: loneliness

The Mood Swing

My mood is in a rhythmic beat

2 steps to the try and be happy;
2 steps to the dull and grumpy.
Stuck In the middle of two moods,
Right right left right,
Left left right left.
Back to the center
My mind is confused
Lost in various thoughts
It wants me to try new things
New exercises, new routines
New paths, new moods even.
But my heart is scared,
It’s beating alright, but
beating because it has to.
Like we go to office
Because we have to
Compulsion not choice.
But moods change
And I want to experience the range
It’s a matter of changing the heart.
Make the heart and the mind talk
2 steps forward in a rhythmic walk
Move to the music, sync and rock.
by Bhaks

What 3 weeks of Solitude had taught me.

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First Sunday of August 2019, Friendship Day celebrations around the world and also the day I made a promise to myself- to try and not let solitude get to me.

For the longest time now I have been happy with the idea of spending time with myself, but the past 3 weeks have made me realize just how over rated solitude is.

It began with a little bit of me time and soon turned into a 3 week of dry spell away from friends and enjoyment.

Me time is a personal choice and so it’s okay because it heals the mind and the body but prolonged me time, more popularly known as solitude is a forced situation. It arises from minimal contact, absence of activity or distance from anything that makes you feel alive.

For me it started with lack of contact with some of my closest friends. In the beginning I was hurt and even angry on them for not having the time to call or reply to messages, even on weekends but today I just realized how over dependent I am on them for my happiness.

What I have known for a while now and what became certain today is this, people keep me floating, they keep me sane but I can’t always expect my friends to be around. What I need is to find newer ways and means to interact with newer people.

I am also one of those who is comfortable with going for movies and dinners alone, but having to do that for 3 weeks got to me. After a certain point, the effort of going to a theater/restaurant became too much. Why go out when I can watch a movie and eat dinner at home.

Result: I have been indoors for 3 straight weekends.

Unlike most people I look forward to Mondays because it’s the day when I meet people. It’s like a welcome respite after a hot summer day. I have no weekend stories to share and that’s the only thing that sucks.

Unlike most people I also do not enjoy long hours of binge watching, can’t listen to music for too long and reading totally depends on the books. Co-incidentally my book choices in the past 3 weeks have been bad; ergo, not helpful enough to kill time.

I have been alone earlier as well, but this time it just got too much. It lead me the black hole called boredom. I tried many things but nothing seemed exciting enough. The sport I love watching, became boring, online shopping didn’t deliver any joy, watching movies on TV lasted for about one movie. Tried spending time with my folks too, but they have their own lives too. even tried listening to podcasts but nada. I didn’t know what to do. I sat aimlessly, got tired of doing nothing and luckily fell off to sleep.

I even uninstalled Facebook and Instagram because the timelines became the definition of monotony. Scrolling through them only increased my exhaustion.

Nothing helped!!

And to top it all, I am an introvert by nature. Conversation don’t come to me easily. And I also belong to a generation that believes in #NoNewFriends after 30.

So here’s what I want to change
1. Make a conscious effort to bring out my extroverted side
2. Try and make new friends
3. Join some local clubs
4. Follow new people online for inspiration

Whether it will work or not, I don’t know but it is a step I must take to leave solitude behind.

by Bhaks

Tube Light- her 4 am friend

The sun brought along schedules and spreadsheets
Mundane as they may sound, with these, her fears she cheats.

Kept her mind occupied, her fears at bay.
Enthusiasm of meeting people, sometimes real, mostly fake, got her through the day.

Cometh the midnight, she closes her eyes tight.
No escaping the frightful fears, to the ceiling and beyond, it’s a lonely night.

Mind at unrest, body tossing around in the bed.
The possibility of this turning into a permanent scenario, she lay scared.

Rain slashing against the pane, freakish sounds abuzz, her eyes open wide
She curls up on the right, with no one to hold on the other side.

This thought of ending up alone played like a horror scene.
Few minutes, sometimes longer, never does it go unseen.

Switched on the button, the old tube light in her room shone.
Giving Ally, the comfort and familiarity of the known.

Falls into a slumber finally, in the company of the light
Its effect was dim, but it gave her a sense of might.

by Bhaks